I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
