i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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