life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
