yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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