He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i think i have two assholes
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
