just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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