Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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