I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
