My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
