I murdered the dance floor call the cops
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
