captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
