6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
