If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
