It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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