How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
