Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
