Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I party with great urgency now.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
