Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
