jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
