please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
