Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
