you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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