my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to walk on stilts...naked
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
