Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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