Moan for me like Helen Keller
i would punch a child for taco bell
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
