Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
