Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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