bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
