it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
