So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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