If that was your dad, he is hot
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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