I cockslap morals
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
