yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Randomize
