Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
