The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
