you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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