did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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