she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
