There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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