Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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