I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
