you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
