in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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