you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
