tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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