I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
