I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
