You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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