Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
