In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
