So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
