DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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