Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I forget how to act sober
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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