Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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